We were kidding around when you called me beautiful

and i couldn’t help but to blush

so i turned around and walked away

so you’ll never know the rush

you give me 

even when we joke

laced with stupid hints and clues

i’m just holding on to hope.

Her down-turned mouth 

speaks only two things:

   Half truths to keep feelings in tact

or

    Cowardly hints to keep feelings at bay.

Pretty little parasite

sucking all your energy

under the guise of love

a never ending eternity

of lust.

A writer , a poet , a goddamn cliche

What do I want to be today?

So hungry for change

An internal breakthrough

I can’t stand the sight of this town

Or of you.

Drunk on misery

Cheers to you and me

I want to cry and rip myself open ,

let everything churning inside of me spill out

a waterfall of hurt

i am losing this battle.

I wrote your name in secret then i dropped it to the floor.
I tried to let you in my heart but youre too scared to find the door.
I need you in my life my dear , a reason i have not.
Just take this chance , hold my hand and give our chemistry a shot.

I keep having variations on the same dream,

no matter the change though

you remain the constant in them.

You wander around my head 

and pounce while I slide into dreamland

taking my deepest wishes, my darkest wants 

and throwing them comically into my face.

Everything is on display.

Making my chest ache with longing

for something I would not even confess to myself.

Your lips on my lips,

your eyes sifting through my soul.

All of my forbidden apples come into play.

And that ache of longing soon turns into hurting 

soon after waking.

With the realization that dream you

and real skin you.

Are not the same.

I feel so empty inside,

I dont know what to do with my life

everything scares (me)

and nobody cares.

I’m not sure i’ll make it this time.

When you stand so near me , i can’t breathe. 
Does it effect you as it does me? 
You make me laugh, you watch me blush.
Your smile gives me such a rush.
A truth unknown, to never be mentioned. 
Is this reality or imagination.
If it’s true , please tell me so ,
And if it’s not ,please let me go.

I glance across the room at you

is that what you want me to do

lets lay our cards down on the tabletop.

Stop dancing, mixing words around

I think I know what you want now

this tensions building climbing higher now.

So darling is this

is this what you want

dont tell me to stop

blood in my mouth 

i cant spit it out

a reminder of failures to come

and darling you 

and those simple words

and my beating heart

and the way it drops.

don’t give me hints if you dont mean them

don’t say sweet things or i’ll believe them

My anxiety is on high

there’s a bug on my floor

these are unrelated.

My anxiety is on high

I’m fucking up at work

these are related.

I’m on my second cup of coffee

I still haven’t showered 

There’s still a bug on my floor.

I’m on my third cup of coffee

I just burned my tongue

Maybe I should stop drinking coffee.

I still haven’t showered

I don’t work today

I don’t know what to do with my life.

My anxiety is worse lately

I think about people I shouldn’t

Maybe I should shower

I think about people I shouldn’t

I jump when my phone goes off

I fuck up everything

I’m going to go shower now

and think about people I shouldn’t

and then maybe paint a picture.

My anxiety

Do you genuinely not see how broken I am?

Or are you just too caught up in your own feelings to care?

My chest constricts

My hands sweat

My heart races

Once upon a time these things were good.

Now though,

full of ignored needs

and broken promises

and any other amount of cliches,

I can handle these no longer.

Where are you?

When did I start to take the backseat

and why do I raise my hand now,

too scared to bring up questions

Questions i need answers to.

Questions that could change our world.

I am too scared to ask all the questions,

it doesn’t matter though,

you don’t call on me anyway.

i won’t be swayed, 
away from my decisions
i close my self off , 
from persuasion and guilt
my mind won’t change
and i’m still the same
a little girl just playing games,

Is that what you think?
as you lay on your bed
that this is all fun and games?
well news flash darling, 
i don’t do it to torture, 
but i’m not gunna lie,
i wish you would stop blaming that boy

i have free will
i make my desicions
and i’m not a naive little child.

You make this so hard
with your words and your looks,
they plainly show the accusations 
your eyes hold.


You can keep the dramatics , 
if you really must,
but i want no part of it,
just makes it worse.

One more thing
i must add, 
i have no power 
to change how i feel
for good or for bad , 
my emotions will rule,
my thoughts will change
i never do it on purpose,
thats just how i am .

Split between decisions

Which one wrong and which one right

Should I keep my tongue in check

Or should I lay my cards tonight?

Contemplating hiding,

Not sure which path to take

Should I speak my honest heart

Or my feelings should I fake?

Just wanting to give more

And heal all past regrets

But still so conscious not to rush,

What hasn’t happened yet.

So completely scared to scare,

A fragile beating heart

Will the words I long to say help,

Or simply fall apart?

A position Ive never been in ,

Not just one heart on the line

Holding so still waiting for her

To realize shes really mine.

You fuck my body 

but you can’t touch my soul

So hidden in mazes

impossible to view

from the outside

Separation of pleasure and pain

finally dissolved

Every piercing thought has nowhere 

to go , cant leave

this bitter black hole

where the doctor says a  ”heart” 

should be

No time for sentimental

I want it rough

to forget

i need it rough to

stay awake

My endless thoughts

can’t even focus on this

Silly , silly you, to think

my head stays where my body lies

Separate the two

to finish what 

I started

This means nothing.

“Such a smart girl ” they say, “what a good head on her shoulders” …

Should that equal fulfillment  in my book?

What if I don’t want to be “that girl” anymore?

The role i’ve always played 

since I was just a little thing

Of course I would be responsible , of course

I would do what needed to be done

what was expected  to be said

However ,  now 

all I want to do is run

jump off a ledge into

recklessness

Do something for myself just once

regardless of how risky

or how people will feel

Can I be selfish

just once

just this once?

Is it really a sickness 

if it’s inside of my head?

When you know that the truth

Is all should be dead?

When there’s nowhere to run

where it won’t find me

And the sickness itself

Is that I can see

All of the cracks , the faults , the lies

all of the beauty that’s just a disguise

and all of the meaning was just never there

In my lowest moment….

could i possibly dare?

I insert the music 

straight into my ears

in full concentration

no dillution

or poluttion

of the words of others

of their

thoughts, opinions, traditions

so set in stone

Nothing

nothing but the notes to concentrate on

nothing except the lyrics

that arent mine to 

dissect

inspect

distract 

me from 

the never ending 

worries 

the current of doubt

The only keeper of sanity

runs through my body

from the ears

and torpedo straight

into my heart

each

crash

of the drum

a beautiful emphasis 

of the sensations

that never

leave

me

alone

Have you ever 

wanted something so bad

you can only resort

to cliches to explain it?

Where your language skills are

suddenly inadequate

and no word can quite cover it?

When every nerve of your body

soul

spirit

mind

equally yearn for it?

 What would you do

to quench

the desire

that literally vibrates

throughout you?

 I open the window to feel

the crisp calling wind in my room

airing out the yesterdays fears

and replacing it with december hopes

the hope that i can send my heart

wrap it up in pop,pop,bubblewrap

nice and snug

in a darling little box

tied with a ribbon of our memories

and send it to you , my dear

who needs it so

and even if i can’t see 

touch

taste you

you my dear ,

will have our memories and my 

snuggly wrapped heart 

and you heat it up like soup

to keep you warm through

this december apart

and i’ll stay here

without my heart

but still happy

knowing its not going to waste

and feeling that cleansing

biting

teasing

windchill

in that hole in my chest

that will stay empty

like the empty spot 

on a trophy case that 

collects dust and disapointment

but i’ll smile 

and bite that wind back

knowing at least

our hearts 

are together

keep them safe ,

my wide eyed angel

until i can crawl inside

wrap myself 

inside another box

and have that wind

fly me to your door.

Drums

my heart has suddenly learned to play itself

sprouted arms and a natural rhythm 

plays a song like its seen Pocahontas 

one too many times

You walk in view 

and silly lungs , they’ve forgotten their job

in , out , slow

ah , there it is

breath

You , 

who walks with a natural confidence

like youre used to eyes

on you

maybe not always good

We’ve met before 

once upon a not so fairytale function

correction , 

our eyes

they met

exchanged pleasantries even

a tiny snake of electricity

undeniable 

i dare say

you walk past me

bodies just barely touching

only a ladybug of space in between

there goes my one man drum army

again

beating away

as if trying to be loud enough 

to make you turn around

i breathe in , try to steal some of your

radiating confidence if only for a second

to even squeak a single word

but i freeze

jaws now on strike

vocal cords too

so i guess

next time

next time

next time

i’ve said that too many times now

two three four

next time girl,

i’ll play my own drum

breathe my own air

and maybe just maybe

next time

get your name

I take my coffee black , 

like the piece in my heart i never had,

i open the window to let the cold wind in

and my thoughts escape and jump off 

the second story ledge

racing from here to you

in that arizona desert 

but here i stay 

grounded in routine

here i stand singing

and drinking my coffee

black